Long Time

It’s been quite a while since my last post. Moving, getting set up and not having internet access at home have a lot to do with that.

Well, I just finished my orientation at school and it looks AWESOME. I really cannot wait to start and be busy again!! I feel lost without lots of things to do and tend to flounder more then when I don’t have much on my plate. Weird, no? I just get too caught up in the fact that not much is going on and tend to dwell on it. More to do = less time to dwell and more pressure to be organized. I guess that means I can start telling potential employers I work well under pressure! The things I don’t realize until I don’t have them any more…Also weird, no?

It’s also been really great catching up with all my friends! WOW, I did not realize how much I missed them til I got back. Or how hard it really was without all of them. Viewing myself as my own best friend and priding myself on how well I cope independently can blind me from seeing just how important other people are in my life. Not that I don’t enjoy time with them or that I keep myself from spending time with them, but I lose focus, you know? I value my friendships just as much as I value myself but that can be easy to forget when you are focussed on #1 and with forgetting that so does reminding your friends just how much you appreciate them.

So, I’ve been spending a lot of time at the library and walking around (as I have a serious lack of transportation options available to me right now…meaning none unless I want to pay stupid amounts of money that I would rather save for laundry) and …I don’t know where I was going with that, I suppose I just wanted to let you know what I’ve been up to. 50% walking, 50% life. Also, the cat shit himself and smells real bad. REAL BAD.

I’m working on getting organized, as in scheduling every part of my life, making a solid budget (for first time ever) so I can make sure I can be super busy without missing anything. I LOVE checklists (in the past, the infamous to-do list) when life gets like this. I am usually very good at staying on top of everything without them (hence why I this is my first time making a budget) but shit has gotten real for me lately and it’s time for me to be a bit more grown up in my approach to life and tackling everything I need to do. One of the many changes I am currently working on.

As I was sitting in the classroom (:D!!!) today during orientation and she was going over all our school policies, procedures, boring stuff I suddenly felt as if I had SO far to go in the changes I want to make. I realized I still have a lot to work on but was quickly reminded of how far I have come  based on the fact that the very next thought that popped into my head was “But the point is you are trying and that’s what really counts and as long as you are trying what else is there to do?” and compared to other similar times in my life I felt much more in control of myself, focussed on myself instead of others and MUCH less afraid. As in I faced every thing I had to do today (not just today but every day lately) with complete confidence and determination. Woo, go me, right?!

Anyways, people in the library really like to creep on everybody else’s computer and i find it annoying so I’m going to end this right now. No guarantees when the next post will be, not that I have any readers anyways hahah. Sayonara!

McDreamy

I have really freaky, vivid dreams on a very regular basis. That’s not to say it’s a bad thing. I love it. My dreams are the highlight of my nights. They continually amaze my with the ability to show me things in a new perspective in a very real way and make me think.

For example, last night I had a dream about being pregnant. Now, anybody who knows me knows that this is something that will likely never happen. I do not want kids for a lot of reasons that are very unlikely to change as they are not reasons that depend on changes I can make. But thats beside the point. This dream showed me pregnancy in a light that I had never considered. I really loved being pregnant last night. It was freaky. In my dream I was in 2 situations in which people were going around killing everybody, I survived both and afterwards all I could think was “It’s ok!! I’m still pregnant!”. At one point after surviving a murderous rampage I skipped around a parking lot, grinning because I was so happy. And I really FELT pregnant. Again, freaky. 

Now I know how awesome Jack Black feels every day.

I talked to one of my friends about this immediately this morning and her interpretation was that it is my subconscious telling me I want kids. However, being the avid dreamer and thinker I am, I’ve previously explored the option of my dreams being my subconscious telling me what I want and I firmly believe that this is not what happens- at least not what happens when I dream. They (my dreams) really just do not seem to work that way. And normally, I am very in touch with what I want. Many things about this theory just do not fit with me.

This is my interpretation: Feeling happy about being pregnant is not an option that I had explored yet through my thoughts, so I believe that my dream was allowing me to explore that option since I am apparently so unwilling to do that when I am not sleeping. Understandable. I have been very stubborn about the idea that pregnancy sucks. But now I can see why it wouldn’t. I felt a great sense of purpose in my dream, this is something that had never occurred to me that pregnancy might make me feel.

It also occurred to me that my dream was showing me the way in which I now deal with unexpected, stressful situations in my life. In my dreams I have always reacted (no matter how ridiculous the circumstance) in ways that were completely realistic and congruent with how I would have reacted had I been awake. I have the same emotions, I have the same re/actions. This dream I had last night put me in some very odd circumstances which sort of tested my ability to react in a calm, rational manner and come out on top. With all the changes I have been making lately, they have also appeared in my dreams and through dreaming I have been able to progressively watch myself change. It is quite the experience when you look at it that way and it really is very true. I really appreciate my dreams for the reason that they allow me to take a step back and look at myself in a unique and insightful way.

Moral of the story: Dreams don’t always have to be about something you secretly want (as long as you don’t secretly want something…aka denial). I think the majority of our dreams are showing us who we are and giving us a chance to examine ourselves, while also allowing us to think deeply and explore ourselves and feelings.

Your turn: Whats the most surprising dream you have ever had? How do you interpret your dreams?

Today SUCKS

Yes. Today SUCKS. So much so that it got put in all caps. One of the many things I have been working on changing is keep things in perspective and being realistic as opposed to allowing myself to exaggerate a circumstance. So I can tell you with complete honesty that today has been one of the most god awful days of my life.

I’ve made it clear my mother and I have our fair share of disagreements. Well, what do you know, that would be the exact reason for the suckiness that is Monday, Sept 19, 2011. If you could bear with me I would greatly appreciate taking this opportunity to present my side of the situation I find myself in. It’s a doozy.

I have spent my time since my break-up living with my mother revamping my life, my attitude, the way I view relationships and the way I handle difficult situations. As I have pointed out before, I know I still have a ways to go and I know that I still make some fundamental mistakes sometimes – BUT I also know that I am completely committed to correcting any mistakes I make, analyzing everything in a rational and realistic manor and contemplating my options before I begin taking action in order to ensure I do what is best for myself and anybody else that is involved in whatever may be taking place.

I have come to realize that even though I am able to take full responsibility for my actions and make appropriate decisions which constitute nothing less than a compromise ….I will still get burned.

You know what, I’m not even gonna get into what happened because at this point that’s not important. Whats important is how it was dealt with. And that was poorly. I was involved in a poor decision, I am sad to report, but I also took the time to acknowledge that I made a mistake and apologize for my unthoughtful action. However….the other party involved, not only did not acknowledge my apology or make an apology of their own for their hurtful and inconsiderate actions….(ok I’m gonna get into it a little bit)…they went as far as trying to convince me that I am the only person at fault and took measures to cut me out of their life, again explaining that it is my fault alone that they must do this.

This hurts me. This hurts me more than anything has ever hurt me before because I can honestly say that I have tried SO hard to do the right thing with each encounter and when I have made mistakes I have come forward without ever being asked to and done my best to correct them. I have taken full responsibility for my actions and not once have I attempted to put blame on anybody no matter what they have or have not done. I’ve made a real effort to focus on what I am doing to correct the issues I encounter and refrain from making anybody feel as though anything is anybody’s fault. My only responsibility has been ME throughout this entire ordeal and that IS how it should be.

Times like this really make it feel (at first) as if all my hard work has gone to waste. But heres the wonderful part about all this work. When these discouraging thoughts begin they are quickly squashed by whats important. And whats important here is that I am able to look back on this mess and say “I did my best“. (October 1 …no more ’3 seconds of silence’ wait!!! Crying WIN.) I used to think that being able to know something like “I did my best” wasn’t much. I was wrong. Being able to know that is EVERYTHING. I want to be able to say that at the end of every day. Thats my goal.

Moral of the story: Life isn’t about everything working out. It’s about being able to say “I did my best”

Your turn: Have you been in a situation where you know you’ve done everything to the best of your abilities and still gotten screwed over? What keeps you motivated to do the right thing even when your so frustrated you just want to give up?

Thanks for reading my rant!

Too much?

What a crappy day. Just full of it.

Do you think maybe we know too much? Maybe thats why all our small problems are so easily extrapolated into ridiculous situations? Sometimes thats what I think.

With all the variables we have to take into account, dealing with problems can feel like an unmanageable chore at times. This is something that really bothers me. Especially when it comes to relationships. Because I feel like what else is more important than the relationships we have with other people? They are really the only things that we will have our entire lives besides ourselves. So to not even be able to feel like those are entirely manageable is a bit of a disappointment to me. But maybe that view of relationships is too romanticized.

Which brings me to another point. But I’ll save it for another time.

It’s hard to shake the feeling that our lives have become too cluttered with a lot of useless crap. Maybe that’s just me feeling overwhelmed with everything that’s changing. Maybe I’m just exhausted from having so much to think about. Maybe I’m right. I don’t know right now…but I hope I will at some point. It’s a work in progress.

Moral of the story: It can always be worse...

Your turn: Do you think it’s possible to know too much? What’s your favourite thing to do for you on a crappy day? Mine changes every time…I give in to whatever desire I have that day. And spend plenty of time with my cat.

 

My Forgetter’s getting better…

Well, I had had something in mind that I wanted to post about not 3 hours ago and what do you know I’ve forgotten it was. So here I go with some more ramblings..

Does anybody else have trouble with forgetting? ….Everything! I am just one of those people where if I think of something it’s either gotta be written down or done immediately otherwise it WILL be forgotten. No exceptions. How does this happen??

In other news…AHH I’ve remembered!!!

And then sometimes I remember, just out of the blue, no rhyme or reason to it, usually as I am about to get into something else (see above example).

Alright! So I was thinking today about my upcoming education and subsequent career path. And how it and I sort of….clash. If you’ve read my ‘about me’ then you know I will be taking Aesthetics in October. I have thought about doing it for a few years now and while I absolutely cannot wait to get started on it, I can’t help thinking about how it seems a bit of an unlikely choice for me. I mean…I am not an appearance minded type of person. I care very little (read not at all) about putting make-up on, I do not enjoy wearing nail polish, never ever would I ever get any part of my body waxed (I’ve had my eyebrows waxed but I’m not a fan and it won’t be happening again)….basically, I wouldn’t get the majority of what I will be doing to other people done to myself. One thing I could live on though is massages. And I enjoy facials. So good.

I like waxing this much.

When I first started thinking about this I began to worry about how I would be seen by potential employers. Would they expect me to come to work every day all dolled up?? What if they want me to paint my nails all the time?? Will I miss out on opportunities because I am not the spitting image of everything I will be representing?

But then I thought, these things are all personal choices. If they can’t respect the fact while I do ensure I look clean and presentable (I have NEVER had anybody tell me I am uncleanly or otherwise inappropriate with respect to appearance in the workplace) but do not wish to partake in every aesthetically inclined habit I can, then would I really want to work them anyways?? The answer is no, I wouldn’t.

While I love that I will be able to perform services like manicures, pedicures, make-up artistry and waxing (…maybe not so much the waxing) on other people, it’s just as important that my views towards these things as they apply to me are respected. And if that means I don’t want them then I shouldn’t have to have them. In no way does this affect the experience or the outcome of these services on the client.

Damn, that sounded awfully professional didn’t it?

The mug knows it.

Either way, I cannot wait!!! (Either way, what? I don’t know why I say that sometimes)

While I enjoyed and take all the knowledge I gained through my education in Health Studies with me and apply it everywhere I can, I know that that is not the path I wish to follow with my career. I need something hands-on, where I can see the effects of my work immediately, and to be able to work for people and provide them a service they interpret as a positive experience that enhances their life. I cannot think of a better or more enjoyable way to do this than through Aesthetics.

I was always the sister/friend who would be ok with getting her hair/make-up/whatever done but I much preferred to do these things to other people or just do them myself.

Moral of the story: You just gotta be true to you.

Your turn: How do you fit into your job description? Does anybody else appreciate what they do but doesn’t necessarily want what they do done to/for them?

Ramble On

Well, yesterday was AWESOME. I got the break I really needed and doing something “out of the ordinary” really gave me a chance to clear my head and bust me out of that awful boredom rut. I went to Halifax for the first time since I’ve been in Nova Scotia. I didn’t think I would get to before I left so it was really nice to be able to do that. I got some shopping done, nothing special just stuff I needed. I lost a book a while ago I only got halfway through so I was really glad to be able to replace that- Alice Sebold’s Lucky. That is her memoir, she has 2 other fiction novels, definitely one of my favourite writers. All her books, captivating and all written a bit differently.

I also finally saw the last Harry Potter movie! It was good, but of course the books were better. I am planning on re-reading them now that all the HP media is basically done. Except for that new HP web thing..I forget the name. Potterdome or something like that? I’m curious but also feel like maybe that’s taking things a bit too far. Am I the only one who feels this way?

Pottermore! not Potterdome..sounds like a stadium.

Next: I have trouble-some skin. I still get pimples and have slightly uneven skin-tone. It’s not a huge deal, and its nothing that interferes with how I feel about myself but it’s still a pain in the butt. I really dislike using lots of product on my skin (I rarely wear make-up…really, only on “special” occasions, not even mascara on a regular basis). I have started experimenting with using more natural products. I really like Burt’s Bee’s face wash so I won’t be getting rid of that …I’ve done some research and found that I should be using a mild cleanser on my skin and I think the BB soap bark/chamomile cleanser is good for that. I’ve also recently tried out a witch hazel & tea tree oil toner which I really like but I feel like it needs something else in it too. That combination is great for simply disinfecting and clearing dirt/oil/other crap away, but it hasn’t been reducing redness or otherwise evening/smoothing my skin/tone. So does anybody have any suggestions?? I would really like to use another oil in my toning concoction (something natural) to get the results I want. I’ve heard maybe jojoba?

Last but not least: I’ve noticed a lot of people associate age with certain pivotal points in theirs and others lives. Certain things in society do this well- for example, it is generally assumed that by the time we turn 16 we are mature enough to drive (legally) and by the time we turn 19 we are mature to consume alcohol (legally). Or, in your twenties you will make a lot changes to yourself and then in your 30′s you will be happiest, then in your 40′s is when the mid-life crisis happens, and by the time your 30 you should probably be married. Many people I know associate a certain age with a certain level of maturity or life events often saying “Well, s/he isn’t there yet, but they’ve still got a few years to go”.

I STRONGLY disagree with the idea that a certain age means somebody will be of a certain level of maturity or know and have accomplished X amount of things. If everybody is different and everybody experiences life differently then how is it reasonable to assume that by the time they are 30 they will be married and have a stable career? Like many things in life, this point of view sets people up for a certain degree of failure. And by putting the notion in peoples heads that their must/must not do something it creates tension, worry, anxiety and potential feelings of failure and loathing (depending on how they deal with these things) when said things are not accomplished.

I think it’s really important to realize that everybody does things at their own pace and everything in somebody’s life happens for a reason. If somebody doesn’t have a stable career by the time they are 30, there are reasons for it. Just like if somebody does have a stable career by that time. And no, it doesn’t have anything to do with luck. It does however have everything to do with the life circumstances they encountered before that time. So do yourself and your loved ones a favour and save yourselves the trouble of any disappointment that could be created by taking time to consider what each person goes through and how they have come to be who they are today and what they can do to be the best they can be in the future. It’s slow goin’s but hey…you have your ENTIRE life to figure it out. There is ALWAYS room for change and learning.

Well put. Mmm cheese.

Moral of the story:  Get out and do something different. Don’t let a good thing go on too long (ahem, Harry Potter..). And number are NOTHING but numbers.

Your turn: Do you believe that by certain times in our lives we should have certain things? Why or why not? Whats something new/different you’ve done recently?

PS. Winners has the cheapest, most awesome stuff. 2 sports bras for $30- don’t mind if I do! I also can’t believe how cheap external hard drives are these days. The gettin’ is good.

What to do…

Ok. So after my last post I really got to thinking how awesome living back in Ontario is gonna be and eventually thinking about where I am right now. And I came to the deep realization that I am going crazy, BORED! I have been ignoring that feeling at my very core for quite a while now simply choosing to focus only on what I can do. Which is good, I should always be finding ways to keep myself busy, but bad in that I was ignoring how I really felt and not allowing myself to give that part of me any attention.

Well, I’ve said– I’m bored. Making myself crazy doing the same things all the time in a various different ways and quickly running out of different ways to do things now, BORED. So I am allowing myself one day to focus on my boredom (today). Tomorrow I’ve planned to go somewhere I haven’t been yet and indulge in something I have been wanting do since July. Good plan. Stuff I am doing today: Went to see  the road put in on my moms new property, trying out a new salmon recipe and going out for dinner for my Grandmama’s 91st Birthday–Celebrating from afar and early, as she lives in Quebec and her Birthday is tomorrow. Joyeux anniversaries, Grandmama! Pour toutes les années merveilleuses et de nombreuses autres à venir! (PS I used Google Translate for that and thanks to all my French classes I know embarrassingly wrong online translation tools can be, so if you know French and notice any mistakes, please! Correct me!)

She is still one hot bird, at the ripe ol' age of 91. You tell 'em foxy lady

Moral of the story: Don’t ignore how you feel, but continue to be productive about it. Also, birthdays rule.

Your turn: Any tips on new things to try in a small town? How do you deal with boredom? Got any go-to’s that get you our of that rut?

One Man Wolf Pack

I am SO excited to live alone! I move into a one bedroom apartment October 1st and I get more excited about it each day. I’ve never lived alone before so this will be a really great experience. I got a taste of it this summer and also for a summer after 1st year University, but I don’t think it’s the same when you know you will be living with other people soon.

Home Alone....Forever!

I love the freedom of being able to whatever I want, whenever I want to do it (within reason of course). It’s great to know that I’ll have total peace and quiet when I need it for however long I need it for. Nobody to answer to but me.

But– because I have never lived alone I realize there may be some things that I have not taken into consideration about it and that there could (lets be honest…there WILL) be problems. So I am making sue to take some time to think ahead about any issues that could arise and come up with a game-plan to counter them.

Moral of the story: Think ahead!

Your turn: Have you ever lived alone? What did you like best? What were some problems you ran into?

Autumn

I always amaze myself with how much squash I can eat in one sitting. Typically, when I do it, because I can’t get enough I make an entire meal out of it– think the entire squash minus the skin. I’m a monster. The only time I limit myself is at Thanksgiving, or other holidays where the squash is meant to be shared.

I got something to show you...it's in my belly. Don't be afraid-I don't bite hard.

Ooh boy. These last couple days have been a bit stressful. I won’t get into why exactly because it has nothing to do with me but I’ve had reinforced a couple of things that I find really important. Mainly, looking out for number 1 (that means you). Also, the importance of understanding yourself in order to understand others. It’s so easy to picture what others are going through and how it could feel but you never really understand until you understand it in your own life. It’s never the same for somebody else as it is for you, but I think once you are able to be critical of yourself and learn to look at your life analytically, you can begin to do the same for others and draw comparisons (within reason) in order to better understand how somebody else is feeling and why things happen the way they do. I’m not entirely sure I am able to put my thoughts into words with complete accuracy here… but, do you know what I am saying? It all makes sense in the noggin.

Well, I was definitely not feeling working out today. I went for a half walk and did a little bit of strength training, focussing on the areas I am trying hardest to fix. Just wasn’t into it though. Oh well. Tomorrow maybe.

I have been reading a lot about the season lately. I don’t really have a preference when it comes to weather or the seasons. I have things I love and hate about them all. When it comes to Autumn I look forward to….

• Crunchy leaves
• Excellent hiking weather
• COLOURS!

You-me, staring contest, right now.....He wins, he always does...

• Halloween (you better believe I still dress up….but I have been told on many occasions trick-or-treating is no-no- I still manage to get candy somehow, don’t worry)

That is true pumpkin carving talent right there.

• Sweaters and Jackets and Jeans, without sweating! Less sweat in general..
• SQUASH back in season–yeaahhh no more crappy left-over ones at the grocery store!! I actually cooked, tasted and got a refund on one once though. Just a random happening.

Things I dislike…

• No more shorts

If only swimming outdoors and shorts always looked this good...I'd settle for it at a distance.

• No more outdoor swimming
• Hm…that seems to be it! Haha, I guess fall is a pretty awesome season.

I definitely ha a lot more to write on the ‘like’ list but I cut it short to be fair to the dislikes….6-2 seems pretty fair to me

Moral of the story: You should be number in your life. Before you can understand others you must understand yourself. Autumn is good.

Your turn: What do you like most about fall? What do you dislike? Do you agree or disagree that in order to understand others you must understand yourself? (Why or why not??)

Running Obsession

I can’t help but notice there seems to be a growing obsession with running. Maybe it’s just who I know and where I’m looking, but running seems to be everywhere. So, as I was creating my awesome new work-out plan (which is now out of commission only a week later…I’ll explain) I decided to incorporate some running. I used to a run and was pretty darn good at it so I thought “Why not give it another shot?”.

My, what muscle-y calves you have! All the better to run with, my dear.

Well…4 days later I scrapped that plan for good. I realized that I’m just not as interested in actually running and I was with the idea of it. I also realized I used to run for reasons other than the joy of it. I used it as escape, an excuse to get out the house and away from all the issues I had to deal with there (another story for another time). I never really enjoyed it like I should. It’s hard, it’s painful and while I’m doing it all I can think about is where it hurts, when it’s gonna end and how I’m breathing. I enjoy the challenge it presents but I can find that in things I like as well.

So, in place of running I am sticking to my usual hiking routine, adventuring through the forest, discovering new things on the beach. I found the leg and part of the spine of a deer once! If I was running I probably never would have noticed. Kudos to me for taking it slow and doing what I want. I also found a mini cave, half buried by a small landslide and where I adventured over and looked in there was definitely a flashlight stuck in there facing outwards…I was too scared to see if anything (i.e., a hand) was attached. Freaky. 

Goal: to make every adventure as epic as theirs.

And when I feel like a bit more of challenge I do stairs. I love stairs! I don’t understand why, but I can run stairs for 10 mins straight while I cannot run across the flat ground for the life of me. Unless I get excited about something. Then I give’r til I get there. So I guess I can say I run…’I do what I want’<– Probably the only wise thing Cartman has ever said.

I’m really proud of myself for paying such good attention to what is good for ME. Not what’s good for somebody else and trying to adapt it to me. This is a big lesson I’ve learned and I’m sticking to it. I also discovered something new I love thats workout related. Free-weights! I am normally a no-equipment-but-my-yoga-mat-and-body-weight type of person but I bought some free-weights and cannot get enough of them! They add some really good variety to my workouts. I can only do the same exercises so many times before I start getting bored.

The bunny says it all.

Oh yeah and the whole workout plan thing. I made a schedule for the entire month of September thinking this would be a great way to keep me motivated the entire month. Low and behold, less than a week later I was SICK OF IT. Turns out, I don’t like planning my workouts at all. I would much prefer to just wing it, and avoid the whole disappointment thing when I don’t do as much as I planned or when I want to do an exercise that’s listed for 3 days later than the day I’m on. Nuts to you, workout calendar. ‘I do what I want’ yet again.

Moral of the story: Just because somebody else is doing it and it’s working out great for them, doesn’t mean the same is going to happen when you do it too. Everybody’s different and (in my mind) this typically means, everything is different for everybody. Make sense?

Your turn: How do you go about working out? Have you noticed any trends? How do they work (or not work) for you?…assuming you’ve tried them. Are there any trends you’d like to try? I want to try hot yoga. I loves to sweat.